Tears

Should you find me prostrate on the ground, bawling my eyes out, you will have a set of choices. You can turn and walk the other way, forgetting that you even saw me. You can slow down, stare at me, maybe take a video to post online and then keep walking. You can stop and ask if I’m ok. Or perhaps your heart will speak to you, telling you to sit beside me, pat my arm, give me a hug and talk with me. I’m not sure which you’ll choose and I’m not going to tell you what you should do either.

I am my tears. My tears are me. Today I feel like today is a prostrate on the ground kind of a day. I’m fighting myself, fighting my personality, fighting my to-do list, fighting my pain, fighting the anxiety and depression I feel pressing on my mind & body. Today is a day where I am on the losing side of my battle. No, I’m not suicidal. I’m not planning to hurt myself, at least not physically.

Today, I feel hollow. I’m a Type 2 personality, all about the details and the need for things to flow and be comfortable. Today I’m fighting the need to control the details and wanting to be in charge to ensure that its done ‘right.’ I think my personality is a giant stop sign and a do not enter sign. Or maybe its just me. Halt, do NOT enter, this person is volatile and prone to bursting into tears.

I feel alone. I feel as if no one listens or even sees me. Perhaps you should call me the Invisible Woman, which goes with my invisible illnesses. I’m not sure anyone wants to really be my friend. I can’t figure out what about me is unlikeable. What about me repels others. I think I even repel my husband. I’m not a very good wife. I’m sick and always, always in pain. I find it hard to get out of bed. I’m behind on my laundry. Behind on the dishes. I don’t even know when the last time I deep cleaned any part of my house. I don’t have the energy to play with my kids. I let the tv babysit my kids, a lot. I do lots of binge watching on Netflix and on Cable.

I’m a check mark on a list. More than one list. Inactive Church Member list. Check. Visiting Teaching list. Check. Inactive Relief Society list. Check. Inactive Ward Family list. Check. Inactive Stake Family list. Check. Ward Family Needing Assistance list. Check. Ill Sister list. Check. Neighbor Who Doesn’t Leave Her House list. Check. Neighbor With a Lawn Needing Care list. Check. Cub Scout Mom list. Check.

I don’t fall on anyone’s friend I can’t live without list. The make room to get together list. Something exciting happened and I have to tell you list. Something scary happened and I have to tell you list. I’m not sure why, but I don’t fit on those kind of lists.

Watch the tears well up and trickle down my cheeks. This is the face of someone who isn’t needed. Not really. I am my tears and my tears are me. I am empty and alone. Today my illnesses rule my life.

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