I Broke Today

I broke today. I let down my wall. I let in the person who understands me the most. I cried. A lot. I admitted that sometimes I feel defeated. Sometimes I think my family would be better off without me. I’m failing my children every day. I’m Broken All the Time. Sometimes I find relief from the pain, but most of the time I am barely hanging on. I lie. A lot. I lie about how much it hurts. I lie and say I’m feeling great. I lie about needing and wanting help. I lie to keep him from worrying about me. Maybe I’m not fooling him, but today I told him.

I told him the truth and cried. I think there was a measure of healing that occurred, but I think its going to be a process. A very long one. I’ll never be healthy. I’ll never get back the years I’ve lost due to my pain and suffering.

I hate how this disease has robbed me of so much. How I can’t be me. I’m a young woman trapped in a body that’s falling apart. It feels like a prison.

I’m trying to not let it break my soul. I’m trying to stand tall. I’m trying to be a good mother to my kids. I’m trying to be a good wife. Some days I’ll succeed and others I’ll fail, but I’m going to keep trying.

Today he held me. Held me so close. He told me that he needed me and that they aren’t better off. I laid bare my emotional pain and he loved me still. He loved me in spite of it all.

Today I Will Keep Fighting. For I Am Not Alone.

I Won’t Let Fibro Kick My Ass!!!