I made this decision and I’m running with it. I’m a writer to my core and I find that when I let words spill across the page, whether it’s in one of my dozens of notebooks & journals, or I’m typing out each word painstakingly, I feel a sense of calm. Writing is truly my therapy in a metaphorical bottle.
2016. While not a complete disaster, it was the source of a whole shit load of stress and I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t have any methods to help me deal. Thus the health issues I deal with on a daily basis took a sharp and very painful plunge. A plunge I’m working hard to find my way out of.
I know it won’t be easy, but honestly when is my life easy? I’ve found that I have days where my pain is almost unbearable and my thoughts grow dark. I hate my body most days. It’s straight up a traitor and has robbed me of my youth. Granted I’m not really young, but I’m not really old either, but my body behaves like I’m in my 70’s or older. 31 year olds should never feel that way!!! My body. My health. Fibromyalgia. It’s robbed me of being the mom & wife I’d always dreamed of being. I seriously feel betrayed.
Dark days be damned! I am trying to find ways to live my life to its fullest, even if its not how I planned or intended to. I have to or eventually I’ll fade away. Or worse yet, do something stupid. My internship turned part-time job usually keeps me busy and that helps, if I can get out of bed & get there it helps.
However, last weekend I took a nasty fall down my best friend’s stairs and messed up my ankle. Grrr. Just my luck. *Insert eyeball roll* When I landed on it, I heard and felt a horrific crack. I was certain that I had broken my ankle. Initial x-rays at the ER didn’t show anything, but I had a follow up a few days later with an orthopedic surgeon and a second set of x-rays since it wasn’t getting better. Those x-rays showed a spot on the bottom of my right fibula where there might be a small fracture.
I’m scheduled with another follow up this Tuesday (a week later) and another x-ray. He says if there is a fracture there that we weren’t able to see in the last set, then it will show up in this one.
Oddly enough I’m hoping we see one. I want validation for the amount of pain I’m in and for the misery I’m experiencing using crutches for almost two weeks. If there isn’t a break, we may have to wait a month or two before they will want to do an MRI to check for torn or detached ligaments. I’m hoping we won’t have to wait that long. I’ve been there and done that. Doing that left a horrible mess in my left ankle and only after three ankle surgeries have I been able to find less pain.
Anyway, I need to get things figured out. I need to get back to work and finish my projects.
Plus, I worry they will decide that I’m not worth keeping me employed and will fire me. Not something I want to put on my resume, especially as its a job in my career field and will look good on my resume. The crappy thing is, my office is on the third floor with a set of split level stairs and no elevators. At home, we have the same kind of stairs and I have to crawl up the stairs and slide down on my butt. I can’t (and really won’t) do that at work, making it very difficult for me to get up and down the stairs. I hope they will continue to understand. I did tell them to let me know what I can do from home, because I am happy to work from home.
Sorry, I’ve probably bored you al to tears. Granted this is still mostly for me, but should you stumble across my blog, I’d love for you to stay and get to know me. To join me on my
Fibro Journey. Like I said this blog is my therapy and I always feel a measure lighter after I blog. I’m finally releasing what I’ve kept bottled up for years. It truly is good for my psyche.
I hope you find a measure of peace too. I hope if you find yourself in a similar situation or you are fighting Fibromyalgia or any bad health situation, I hope you will find an ally in me. I’m here should you need a friend.
Sending out prayers, love and good vibes.